In Our Dating Era
A podcast & dating show for what comes after your early 20's. Listen in as we discuss dating, life after relationships, dating apps, boyfriends and so much more.
Follow on instagram: @InOurDatingEra
Starting over after a break-up can be hard, your searching for answers, a community, someone to tell you what's next, and how to get back out there.
Nikki jumped right into the dating world after a 10 year long relationship and 5 years of marriage. Now she's here to talk about dating when you have no damn clue what you're doing. Her community is filled with single women, young girls, moms, and women in need of a community and often times a good laugh! Dating is a hell of a lot more fun when you have others to share in it's insanity!
In Our Dating Era
Do’s & Don’ts of Dating Again: Jumping back in the Dating World
After navigating the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup, stepping back into the dating scene can feel incredibly overwhelming. I share my personal struggles and victories in this new chapter. Whether it's a swift return to dating apps or a deliberate pause for self-healing, there's no universal path to moving on.
It's about more than just finding someone; it's about finding someone who enriches your life and shares your vision for the future.
With stories of unexpectedly joyful dates and reminders that dating can be an enlightening experience, I encourage approaching each opportunity with an open mind and a “we’ll see” mentality. Amidst navigating breakups, I underline the importance of leaning on friends and family for support, turning to them for shared laughter and healing.
Good morning and welcome to episode two of In Our Dating Era. It is a little gloomy here in Southern California right now and it has me in a mood. I'm in a bit of a funk, I'm not going to lie. I'm feeling a little tired, a little drowsy and, yeah, this weather is just not giving me the boost that I was hoping I'd get for a Friday. So hopefully, by the end of this podcast, I've really turned this around. We'll see.
Speaker 1:But if you're feeling in a funk and you're feeling a little, a little slow and lackadaisy today, you're not alone. I see you, girl, I am in the same boat. Uh, today we are talking about something that is widely, widely, widely experienced by, I feel like, so many women who are either after a breakup, a separation, a divorce or a really long, weird situationship. It's scary and overwhelming and can feel daunting to have to put yourself back out there after having someone, whether that was three months, six months, six years. It's a lot and the idea of dipping your toe back into the dating pool can be very unfamiliar. So we're going to dive into the dating world and, specifically, we are going to dive into when to get back into dating after a breakup. So I would say, for me personally, the idea right now of getting back into dating feels very daunting. I was in sort of a situation ship relationship situation Don't you love how we we've coined these relationships and none of it actually makes sense. But and I think I just I'm sort of in this phase where I still have strong feelings for this person and even though I think we both want it to work and wanted it to work, it just it wasn't, unfortunately. And now I'm in a phase where healing from that and getting ready to know that I will eventually want to date again, that whole in-between zone and phase is a little daunting. So how do we get past that? How do we fix that? Well, you're going to have girlfriends that are going to tell you to get on the apps right away. You've got to get on the dating apps. I'll help you. Let's get a glass of wine, let's make a profile, and it's so much fun.
Speaker 1:I've been there. I've been in the phase of creating an app with girlfriends and being ready to dive in and doing all of that. I've been on the side of it where I'm like I'm kind of tired with the apps. I'm feeling a little defeated. I need a break. I've been the girl that, like I only want to see people in real life. I don't want to meet online, I want to try to just experience it in real life. And now here I am for the very first time, being the girl that isn't actually very excited to do either.
Speaker 1:So you can be on so many different avenues with this one, and none of them are wrong. You're not wrong. How you feel and how you want to experience this breakup or this time in your life isn't entirely up to you. But, like I was saying, you're going to have the girlfriends that are like jump in right away, get on the apps, let's do this, let's get you back out there. You're hot, you deserve to, I mean, and your friends are going to be pumping you up which all good friends should, but it doesn't make it ready and right for you. So you're going to have that. You might also have the girlfriends who are like you need time, heal, sit in this, and that might be perfect for you.
Speaker 1:But at the same time, you could be like, oh, but I'm kind of chomping at the bits to get back out there and see what's out there, and you know there's so many different ways to do it, and the point I'm trying to make in this is not to confuse you and tell you that, like, every way is the right way, but I'm just trying to tell you that it's never a one size fits all. Getting back out there and meeting people again after heartbreak or just like deep sadness and wanting something to work out and it didn't, and really caring about someone it's getting back out there is not one size fits all. It's going to take a little bit of time, it's going to take a little mental adjusting and that's, I think, it really comes down to. Dating now is not a I really like you and respect you. Do you really like me and respect me and let's move forward? Do you really like me and respect me and let's, let's move forward? It is a lot of questions and and but. Now we have words for things that they didn't 20 years ago, things like situationship.
Speaker 1:But like you could have somebody say like hey, I'm all in with you, I'm all in with you, but I'm all in and still in love with my ex. I'm all in with you, but, but I'm all in and still in love with my ex. I'm all in with you, but I've got a lot of trauma that I haven't worked through and therapy is not an option for me. I'm really into it with you and I want to do this, but I don't know if I can commit to this, because you know, I'm really into my job. There's so many back-ended things that come with someone saying that they want to date you.
Speaker 1:And then there's the biggest one of all. It's like I'd like to date you, I want to do this, but I don't know if I want a relationship. Or I really like you, but I don't know if I want a relationship. And then you're just kind of left being like well, what the fuck? I mean, why did we start this in the first place?
Speaker 1:So I think the most important thing in figuring out if you're ready is just having a good mindset and knowing what your intentions are. And what I mean by that is being intentional in knowing what you'd like to get out of it. And for some women that's just to hook up and have fun and, girl, do your thing. No judgment here. I get it. Maybe it's a we'll see mentality, meaning I don't know if I'm gonna like him, I don't know if he's gonna like me, I don't know if this is gonna be long term, but we'll see. Right now I'm just, I'm kind of, I'm not putting pressure on anything.
Speaker 1:And then there's the other option, which is I want a date to marry. I other option, which is I want to date to marry. I want to find somebody. I want to find my person. No, I don't want to just find somebody, excuse me. I want to find my person and I want to make a commitment to them. I want them to commit to me and I want us to move forward in a very committed relationship that leads to marriage.
Speaker 1:And I think, knowing where you stand within those three options not to say that those are your only options, but I feel like those are probably the most common and the biggest and there's so many other options, that kind of live between them but knowing where you're at and what you want heading into dating again is so helpful. I mean it's so helpful because if you're flying blind and you're just walking in, you're inevitably at some point going to get this question, the age old question, the best question of all what are you looking for, god? There's nothing better than like enjoying your spicy margarita. You're sitting at your favorite date spot, you know, the bartender just brought you your second round and you're flowing and this guy's cute and the conversation's witty, the banter's there, and then he throws you one of those. So what are you looking for? And the smile stays on your face while you're looking at him, but in your head you're thinking, oh shit, now it's taken a turn and you have to be prepared. You have to have an answer, and I think the we'll see mentality is a great one. It's a great one to fall back on, because you can look at someone and be like, hey, I mean, we'll see. I'm not putting pressure on anything. So yeah, I just I want to find somebody that I have a lot of fun with and we get along with, and if we hit it off and it heads in a direction of a relationship, great. So I guess we'll see. That's a great response.
Speaker 1:The problem with that response, though, and the problem with the will see mentality, is if you're not clear about those intentions and what you're looking for. Some guys just hear oh, she's just looking to have fun and have sex and hook up, and then never talk again. So you kind of have to be really careful. But if you say, hey, I'm just looking for a good time. I'm not looking for a relationship, looking for something just fun and casual. That's more clear, right? A guy then knows what you're looking for, what your intentions are, and that you don't want a relationship but you just want to have some fun and make a connection and enjoy somebody's company. And you might find somebody across the table from you when you say that who wants a relationship or wants something different. But I feel like at least that person knows right, at least both of you guys heading into it are on the same page.
Speaker 1:Same thing with the committed relationship. You tell them that that's what you want and they're not interested and they show it. I mean, god, I've told a guy before. You know, like I think I'm over like the having fun stage and I'm like ready to actually settle down. And you watch, you watch them after the, you know what are we doing. Question or like where are you headed? Or like what would you like to get out of this? And their face just sort of changes and drops and you can see it. Or they look away, they reach for their drink and they take a sip before looking back at you and you're like oh, we want two very different things and I mean, there's an easy way to avoid that interaction and that's to ask them. If it's on the apps, you ask them before you meet up, hey, like what's your intention, like what are you looking for? Or they'll ask you I've had a lot of guys ask me that or you wait until you meet up in person and you catch vibes and you kind of see how the conversation's going and if you're attracted to them and I I think for me I've done it both ways and my preference as far as talking with someone and giving them your attention, letting them know your intentions and what you like, always seems to go over better in person for me, because I feel like my bullshit detector most of the time is set at a solid nine.
Speaker 1:I've had some really good bullshitters that have is set at a solid nine. I've had some really good bullshitters that have like skirted by and and really like got me Um, but typically it's just nice to see their face because then you know, like if the question's making them uncomfortable or you just you know when you're making eye contact with someone you can't. It's harder to lie or to bullshit. So I like that versus texting and trying to talk about it. But, circling back, you have to know your intentions going into a date, you have to know what you're thinking and even if that's casual casual is still an intention but then you know and if it changes down the road, then that's a conversation you have with that person.
Speaker 1:But I think going into dating, it's just good to have a direction and those are things that you can sit down and do before you even create a dating profile, before you go out with your girls and they all say we're the best wing women, we're going to get you a guy tonight, we're going to find someone great. We've all been there. We've all heard those friends. God bless them, they're amazing and we love them and they keep us afloat when the breakups happen. But if you aren't ready, you have to let them know, and if you are, you have to sit down. And this is something that I've done.
Speaker 1:I've sat in my notes app, because bringing out an append and paper is just non-existent these days, but going in my notes app and writing a list of things that I want Not that I want from a guy, but that I value, okay. So things that I enjoy. I love my job, I love being creative. That's a part of who I am. If I can't do it, if I can't do my event planning, if I can't do my event planning, if I can't run my business, I wouldn't be who I was. So that's a huge part of me. I love my children more than anything in the world. So for me, my kids are a huge, huge part of where I'm at.
Speaker 1:I love being outdoors and being active. I couldn't imagine having somebody in my life who was not interested in like movement and riding bikes and walking and hiking and and doing all of those things. So you make this list right and then you look at it and you go OK, these are the things that are really important to me. Am I willing to share these things with someone else? Does sharing this with someone else scare me? And if it does, maybe you're not ready and it doesn't have to. Scare is maybe not the best word, but does it make you uncomfortable? Does it make you uneasy the idea that someone might disrupt that? Because the truth is, even when it's a good person, it might still feel a little uneasy. But you have to figure out what's best for you and if you look at that list and you go God.
Speaker 1:I want to find somebody who amplifies all these things. I said my business, my kids, my active lifestyle. I love doing those things. I said my business, my kids, my active lifestyle, I love doing those things. I want somebody who amplifies and lifts me up within my business, who tells me I'm doing a great job, who wants to help me and who is constantly supporting me. I want to find somebody who loves my kids, thinks they're amazing, loves that I'm a mom and looks at me, and that in a way that is empowering and amazing and not a burden. And I want somebody who, equally as me, cares about getting outside, cares about their mental health, their fitness, moving around, being outdoors, getting those vitamin C's that we all need. I, I need those things.
Speaker 1:So I then go into a relationship and into dating knowing that those things are important to me, asking those questions to other people that I'm seeing as a potential date or partner, and making sure that they also want similar things. And you're not going to align right Because you're not putting things on this list like must be 5'6", must have blue eyes, must be in finance. See what I did there. We're not putting those on the list. What we're putting on is things that we enjoy, our passions, our desires, our favorite things that make us who we are. We're not putting on height requirements and financial goals for our future partner, because, I mean, you guys, the amount of men that I've went on dates with where I was like, eh, this is a will-see mentality, he doesn't check any of the so quote unquote boxes people love to say, but I might still really like him, we'll see.
Speaker 1:And I I've gone on amazing dates with guys that I didn't think and it didn't end up working out, not because, you know, they didn't, you know, make a huge salary or or, um, you know, weren't the tallest guy in the room, but that was like I remember sitting there and I was like I really enjoyed that, like I don't regret spending the money on the babysitter, I don't regret getting all dressed up and finding an outfit, driving out here, gas, everything to get to this date. I don't regret it because I had a really good time. And the thing is, guys, it's practice, like your first few dates out the gate, I mean, and you could message me like, hey, nikki, I actually split from somebody. And then my first second date back, I met the love of my life and now we've been married seven years. That's amazing. But you are the exception, not the rule. The rule is that typically it's going to take five, six, seven dates under your belt for you to start feeling a little bit comfortable, for you to find a groove and to feel like a little sense of normalcy within dating. Because sitting across from someone and telling them everything and that questions back and forth and the banter, all of that when you haven't done it for a while, it feels super foreign and a little awkward. And I'm even a people person, you guys. I could talk to a wall. I can talk in front of a room of thousands of people if I had to, and I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
Speaker 1:But I remember going on those first few dates after I separated from my ex-husband and I hadn't gone on a date for 10 years, almost 11, almost 11 years at that point. And I remember sitting down the first date. I went on and he was the nicest guy, so nice, and I remember thinking I just want to have fun. I haven't been out in the world in a very long time in this capacity let's just see. And I remember sitting there and he was so kind and chatty and asked me about my kids and was so sweet. And I remember leaving the date and he had been like, hey, I'd like to get us tickets to go to a hockey game, Would you like to do that? And I was like, yeah, sure, and in my mind, thinking like I don't know if this is for me, and like leaving the date and going oh my gosh, that wasn't as bad as I thought it was Like he was normal and fine and I I was great, like I wasn't that awkward, like that was great. I was great, like I wasn't that awkward, that was great.
Speaker 1:I had this thought in my head that somehow and I think I let a lot of the negativity coming from maybe a few single friends being like dating's exhausting and it's terrible, and I'm like done, and you might get to that point or you might be at that point. But I think we have to go into it a little open-minded and give the person the benefit of the doubt as much as they're giving it to you, and just the amount of good energy you put in the world is the amount of good energy you're going to get back, and I'm such a. I know that sounds woo-woo, but it's so true. And I still, to this day, think I went on like three or four amazing dates, the first few dates out of the gate. I hadn't dated for 10 years. I could have gone on dates with complete psychos or complete assholes.
Speaker 1:And I got these great dates and I thought to myself Nick, you can do this, like you're going to be okay, you're going to be fine and this is actually a lot of fun you're. You're gonna learn a lot about yourself, you're gonna meet a couple really great guys, maybe even meet somebody that you might want to date. And I think it's all because I went into that date with a very clear direction of like I don't want a relationship, I just came out of something. I don't want a relationship, I just came out of something. I don't want this casual sort of just sleep with anyone situation. I was like that feels like not where I'm necessarily at at this moment, but I like the idea of telling someone like we'll see, we'll see where this goes, but right now I would just love to get to know you and I would like for you to get to know me.
Speaker 1:And I wanted to have fun. I wanted to have fun in terms of not necessarily sleeping around, but just meeting new people and reminding myself again that I am this young, fun, amazing woman that deserves to sit across from someone else. Who's going to buy me a drink. Who's going to tell me I'm great. Who's going to chat with me. Who's going to ask me about my day, because you're, when you come out of a relationship you're questioning so much and, if you're not, power to you, girlfriend, because you've got a great headspace but you don't always come out of, especially if you've been cheated on or you've had somebody who's kind of pulled you in and pulled you and let you go, and pulled you in again and let you go.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of trauma that goes along with with those kinds of relationships and I've been cheated on two times. Two times and I think both times I thought to myself wow, did I do something? And I let that sit for like a second before I went. Wait a second. I am successful, I have a great job, I make great money, I have two amazing kids, I have a wonderful life. Why on earth would I be the cause of someone cheating that's on them? That is a full, a full moment for me where I realized cheating is not black and white. There's a lot of gray and I think a relationship takes two people If it ends. A relationship ends because of two people.
Speaker 1:But cheating is a decision made by one person and it's their decision. You did not make it for them. So you do not get to harbor that responsibility and make it your fault because it wasn't. But when you go into dating after something like that happening, it feels a little scary. You have trust issues, which is something else you have to heal from and work on. When you go back into the dating world You're not going to be fully healed. You're not going to be fully healed necessarily when you meet someone after going through a relationship where there's been any sort of cheating.
Speaker 1:But you go to a therapist, you work on yourself, you talk through it and also, if you're the type of person that wants a relationship that's very serious, moving forward, whoever you're dating next, you have to be vulnerable enough to tell that person hey, I've dealt with a lot of mistrust in past relationships. I had this happen and moving forward, I might have some of that old trauma come back up in me with you. And it's not to say that I don't trust you. But unfortunately, because of the hurt I've experienced in the past, it's going to take me time to kind of deal with that in this relationship and the right guy will respond the right way. I've had guys who've been like, yeah, if you want to look through my phone, if you want to have my location, sure. And I think the openness not to say that you need to say yes and do any of that, but the openness of someone hearing you out and listening to you and going, oh okay, I understand that you need more reassurance. I like you enough to be able to do that for you and not then get insecure in myself of being like, oh well, she doesn't trust me. Like, oh well, we're not going to make it if you can't trust me, you don't want that.
Speaker 1:So long story short getting back out there after any kind of relationship, whether it's a situationship or a marriage or a separation or just dating for a decent amount of time, you feel this sense of fear, you feel a sense of loneliness because this person filled a void in your life for a very long time and maybe it wasn't even a void, maybe it was just. Maybe they genuinely added to your life right. Maybe they added value and you really enjoyed them, but you're still the person that sleeps alone at night. You're still the person that doesn't get the good morning text or the good night text, and so you have to give yourself the time to get over that, to mourn that a little bit and realize that, like you can be that person for yourself, you can be the person who, when you wake up in the morning, you go good morning, we're going to make it. We're going to make it a great day today, like the sun is shining Not today. It's gloomy, but you know what? The the? It's light outside. We're going to get up, we're going to get going and we're going to make this day ours.
Speaker 1:This relationship that ended it did not kill me. I am still here, I am still kicking and I've got this. And you don't need to jump right into dating. And if you feel that you do, I'm here to tell you. I've been there. I think I jumped into dating so quickly because I thought I can't. I can't just sit around and wait Like I got. I got to get back out there and you don't need someone to fill that void of feeling like you're alone. You've got girlfriends, you've got people in your corner. You've got people that and I'm sure you do that you can turn to and say hey, I'm having a day today, I'm feeling a little down about the breakup or I'm just feeling a little lonely. Can we chat? Can we have a girl's night? Can we go get a drink? Can you come over and we can turn on the latest episode of love island and watch it together and your people will be there for you.
Speaker 1:Now I am the first to tell you in a breakup I hate to be the burden on anyone, on my family, on my friends. Um, I always feel like I'm coming to someone and I'm like, oh, oh God, they have to listen to my woes or my bitching. No, that's your job. Your job as a friend to your friends because I know you've done it before is to go to them and let them be there for you. And it's taken me time, and it's still even after this last breakup. It's taken me a minute to like turn to my friends and be like you know what this sucked. Even though it didn't end in like a bad way, it still sucks to like miss someone and feel like there's something missing from a life that you became very accustomed to.
Speaker 1:So I I get it, ladies, I get not wanting to be a burden on people, but be a burden, and you know you're not, but you know what I mean. Like go to your friends and go to your family and let them help you and let them heal you and let them be there for you. Because, just like dating is more fun when you have girlfriends, so is going through a breakup Like having people who can tell you well, you know what his mustache was crap anyways. Or you know, like he had a shit car, so we don't care, and those are superficial things and I get it. But like your girlfriends are there to just tell you like okay, you know, we don't care, he was bald. Like who cares? All of these like funny things that you like laugh while tears are streaming down your face and you're telling them how sad you are. Like they're they're meant to bring you up and bring you back to life and you have to allow people the chance to do that. And if you don't have someone, I'm here for you. You can always DM and message, because I've been in your boat and it can be lonely, but the more people you let into that boat. I mean it quickly becomes a party boat and it gets easier and you heal and the champagne gets popped and you start to kind of pick your head up again and see the other side. And I'm here telling you there are so many women going through the same thing as you and sometimes it can feel incredibly isolating.
Speaker 1:When you come out of a breakup and all of your friends are still in relationships, I mean I get hugged tightest sometimes by my friends. Boyfriends and husbands were like I'm so sorry that this happened to you, like how are you doing? And it's so sweet. And I think to myself God, I miss this, I miss being in the couples group, but you got to let that go because you're going to get there again. You're going to find someone. There are so many people in the world, so many people, and we are not going to be sitting at home and crying about this for long. We're going to get back out there. When we're ready, we're going to put on our best fucking shoes, we're going to get a banging outfit on, we're going to message our girlfriends and tell us where we're going and who we're going out with, because safety first it's important to note that and then we're going to go have a great time. And here's the thing If the date isn't amazing, there's always something you can bring away from it.
Speaker 1:Maybe he took you to a new restaurant that you'd never been to and you loved it. You're like date terrible, date spot amazing. Me and my girlfriends are coming here for dinner next week. Maybe you guys talked music and while he was a bit of a dud, he had great music tastes and you went home and listened to a new artist that you found and you're like well, I pulled that away from that. There is always something to take away from dating someone and having an experience, and if they an asshole, you've learned something new because they've treated you like crap and you're like you know what I deserve better than this and you can take away from that.
Speaker 1:Well, how did we meet? Were there some red flags in there? Did I ignore them? Was I just a little excited? And we do that. I mean the whole idea of like future tripping and like getting excited about someone before you've even met them.
Speaker 1:Say, you're chatting on the apps and you've been chatting for a while. You finally get to go on this date and you're like I want it to go so great this is. You know, I really, I really like him in this. You've not met him yet, you cannot love him yet, so you got to slow down and you got to go into the date with a will see mentality and you just got to take it one step at a time. You're not alone in this. We are all in this together. We're in our dating era and we are not alone, ladies. We have got each other. So stick around next week.
Speaker 1:I've got a guest on the show who is sassier and spicier than me, if you can even you can even believe that, and we're going to be talking strictly dating apps, because it seems to be the way of the world now. I've jumped on the train and been on it for a little over a year and there's a lot to be discussed, so we're going to get into that. It's going to be fun and funny. We're going to keep it pretty light, so I can't wait for next week, but thank you for tuning in. If you're listening to this on Apple Podcast, please leave a review and let me know, and if you loved the episode, please share it with your friends. Single or not, it's just nice to have a group of girls chatting and supporting one another, and I think we need to do it more. So this is me signing off. Thank you and good luck in your dating era.
